I always struggled to make decisions.
So I diffused the responsibility on to others.
I was easily swayed by others and thought it was a great quality that I was easy going and would just go with the flow. Despite the fact that under the surface I often felt resentful and angry doing things I didn't want to do - but I never understood why.
I let other people make decisions for me and looked to see what everyone else was doing as a measure of what I "should" do.
I always consulted everyone else for their opinions, which just added to my confusion, because in hindsight deep down my heart and intuition always knew what I wanted and needed. This constant looking to others and doubting, or in my case not even taking a moment to listen to myself, suggested to myself further that my opinion wasn't important.
I often regretted some of the choices and decisions I did make, seeing how I had failed and let myself down. I become less able to trust myself and my decision making abilities.
As I started to awaken and dive into the path of self-awareness I began to question why I found decision making hard and began to wonder how I could turn it around.
What I realised was interesting.
I had no idea what I wanted. I had no connection to what I actually desired. I had been too busy finding out what other people wanted so I could meet their needs and play my part to keep them happy and keep the peace.
But, really what I discovered under the surface of all of this was much deeper and quite confronting.
I had no idea, or sense of who I was.
I couldn't believe I had gone through 3 decades of life not knowing who I really was.
My inability to make decisions and trust myself came from a complete lack of intimacy with myself.
Intimacy (Into Me See) - means to see into yourself, and see who you really are.
I had to get intimate with myself. And I had no idea what that meant or how to do it. But I knew I had to get to know and understand myself and begin to develop a close friendship with myself.
As a highly sensitive and people pleasing empath (someone who feels everyone elses pain and emotions) - I had developed strategies in life to maintain harmony and keep everyone happy, so I could avoid feeling conflict or discomfort. As a result my decisions were about keeping the peace and not rocking the boat, rather than about what was best for me and what I wanted.
It makes complete sense just how challenging it can be to make decisions when you don't know who you are, and you're living to please others or to avoid feeling conflict and disharmony.
And so it began, the journey of self-discovery. Asking the deeper questions of who am I, and why am I here. And off I went, diving deep into the rabbit hole - learning, reading, educating myself and going inwards to connect to the deeper part of myself, my soul, my infinite spirit, and creating the space to hear and listen to the ways my soul was communicating me.
And so I come here to share, what I have learnt and some of the practical steps I have taken to enable me to better trust myself to make better choices and decisions in my life that are aligned with what is true for me. Because what is true for you is unique to you, it is what your soul has come here to express, create and the person you are destined to be in this precious life. We can't compare and copy others. That is not our path. To feel fully aligned, fulfilled we must learn how to listen, understand and discern what is our unique souls truth and have the courage to create, and dance weave our own unique path.
How can you begin to trust yourself to make better decisions
Learning to trust yourself is a process. A lifelong one perhaps. Just like any relationship it requires love, attention and devotion.
1. Connect to your heart
Create time to connect with yourself and your heart. Your heart knows what's truly important to you and what you value. There is no logic or reason about what your heart values (reasoning and logic that is the heads job). So leave the head out of this part and spend time getting in contact with what's in your heart's dreams and desires. Meditate. Write. Dream. Vision, Create. Explore. Play. What does your heart truly desire? What lights your soul on fire?
2. Develop intimacy with yourself
Build on the inner connection you are developing and go deeper within to see all aspects of yourself. See all of who you are. Get to know yourself. What are your strengths, your talents, your gifts? What are your quirks? And what are the the aspects of yourself you deny, reject and dislike? It's important to call all of these aspects back within to be integrated and accepted, for they are you, they make up the layers and the depth of who you really are. For example, I have called back, loved and embraced many aspects, including the lazy one, the weird one, the boring one, the deep one, the sensitive one, the introvert, the outspoken one, the powerful one and so it goes. I've spent time connecting with and bringing up to the light the parts of me I hated, and have done the processing and inner work to reintegrate the parts of me, that make me, ME! Developing intimacy with yourself requires vulnerability and compassion. You must know yourself, to understand yourself to trust yourself and back yourself. For further reading, check out the work of Debbie Ford and the book The Dark Side of The Light Chasers.
3. Become your own guru
Go inwards to discern what feels true to you before asking everyone else what they think. Allow yourself the chance to connect your heart that knows what is important for you and your gut that knows what is true and best for you. Truth flows through our body in sensation and feelings. Learn to feel the sensations in your body and understand what truth feels like for you. Believe and trust that you have the abilities to connect to your own truth, answers and solutions. Then if you want to run it by someone else, do so with someone you trust and who holds the highest vision for you and supports you to be your highest most expanded self. Stay away from negatives and naysayers.
4. Commit to yourself and follow through
Just as we trust others who are capable, consistent, reliable and stick to their word, we must start to develop the same attributes within, so we can reestablish trust within ourself. How can you be consistent and reliable in meeting your needs and following your heart? What things are essential for you to remain balanced, centered and happy? If you have no boundaries or knowing of what you need and what is important and non-negotiable to you, you will end up giving up your needs to please others. When you do this you are neglecting yourself and not committing to yourself. Commit to yourself in small ways each day so you can start to redevelop the neural pathways in your brain so that your body can relax in knowing that you are there for you no matter what and that you have got your back.
5. Let yourself off the hook
It's not helpful to hold on to all the failures and times you feel you let yourself down. Go through each past memory where you haven't trusted your decisions and look for the lesson in that situation, take that as a positive and then let it go. I believe we always get what we need at the right time. And if that means a situation presents and later down the track we judge our decision to be "wrong", we can choose to look from a more empowered perspective such as, asking how was this situation presented to me for my highest good and growth? I've re-framed many past decisions I once thought were bad and can see now as a result of that experience, combined with self-awareness, I have taken away highly valuable learning that I needed to support me in the future.
Know, that there is no such thing as the wrong decision. You can only learn and find out more information about what is right for you.
Commit to the life long adventure of getting to know yourself. Take responsibility for your path and direction. Be kind to yourself. And show up consistently for yourself.
You have all the answers within you. If you have difficulty trusting yourself and knowing what's true for you, I can help you tune in and listen to what is true for you. It can be so supportive to engage a coach or mentor to assist you reconnecting with yourself, and that is exactly what I do with the woman (and men) that I coach.
Find out more about working with me HERE
Love Jacinda xx